Hallmark Fail


Hallmark Smelly Asparagus Card

INSIDE:  I love you Stinky!!


So I figure if bschooled and I are going into the greeting card business that I should at least get some experience under my belt first.  On facebook I stumbled upon the Hallmark Greeting Card Contest page.  Their most recent contest had to do with food.  You needed to make a Birthday or Love card that incorporated food in some way.

So this was my entry.   And it failed.  Maybe it was too gross for Hallmark but my wife said she would buy it so at least I have one.  Or maybe it has been done before but I don’t think so.

For those who have no idea what the joke is, either you are of the 50% of the population who has pee that doesn’t smell after eating asparagus, you don’t eat asparagus, or you really smell and don’t know it. 

Read more on why your pee smells after eating asparagus on the Straight Dope.

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78 Responses to “Hallmark Fail”

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  1. George says:

    My wife has a nose like a hound dog when it comes to discerning difference in urine odor. To me, pee smells like pee. For her, she can just about tell you what you’ve recently eaten by the smell of it. 🙂

    I like your card, so you can say you’d sell two of them. 😀

    • Bearman says:

      She needs to get a new job. Maybe she can work crime scenes and find out where the victim ate right before he got killed.

      Just hope you aren’t a fan of limburger and salmon or she is in trouble.

  2. Nate Fakes says:

    Did you hear from them? I submitted something awhile back for the contest, and haven’t heard anything. That being said, I think it doesn’t start until June. I didn’t go through Facebook, I went directly to the contest on their website.

    I have a dog peeing on a gopher, so I hope I get through.

    • Bearman says:

      They only contact the winners and I know based on their facebook page they have already contacted the ones who won.

  3. Friggin Loon says:

    Um, you guys smell your own pee? Classy!!!! 🙂

    • Bearman says:

      Funny thing, I never noticed the effects of asparagus until my wife asked my out of the blue one day if asparagus made my pee smell. Never noticed it. Now I can’t unnotice it.

  4. Hallmark didn’t pick this?!
    Acting all high and mighty… like their pee doesn’t stink? Grrrr!

  5. Bo Lumpkin says:

    I can tell now this is gonna get weird in hurry. I don’t eat asparagus and I am not a urine sniffer though just for the record.

  6. Binky says:

    Two green vegetable posts in a row. I wonder if you’re trying to smell me something?

  7. nursemyra says:

    haha… I like this one bearman. I’d not only buy the card I’d eat the asparagus. Though maybe not the asparagus wife, she appears to be too bendy, I like mine crisp

    • Bearman says:

      Yeah after I was done I thought maybe I drew her too far into the toilet but then I thought, she is an asparagus; it is not like she has butt cheeks to keep her on top of the toilet.

  8. Friggin Loon says:

    I didn’t know asparagus shave?

  9. I never knew asparagus could be so funny. Well done for tackling one of the more controversial vegetables.

  10. DadaHyena says:

    Well, it’s not like you have spicy hot dogs taking a dump…

  11. Lynn says:

    I think it’s a great card and Hallmark just doesn’t have a sense of humor.
    On another note, ever notice why women sit on the commode with their legs together and men sit with their legs spread apart? Why is that?

  12. Brad says:

    I don’t eat asparagus that often, but when I do, this phenomenon disturbs me greatly.

  13. MJ says:

    What the #^@(!!! Ha,ha,ha!

  14. jynksie says:

    You’d think with the name it has, it’d smell like “ass” aparagus! Either way, I no like it! …the veggie, not the comic, the comic is HIL-arious! =)

  15. bschooled says:

    HAHA!! There are no words to express the love I have for this.

    ps. Swear to God I was just coming to visit you when I saw your comment on my site.

    If that’s not a sign that our greeting card business is meant to be, than I don’t know what is.

  16. Midtoon says:

    I wonder why Hallmark didn’t pick you. Your food-related cards are legendary. They are also educational. In this iteration, we learn about the odorific properties of asparagus.

  17. That was kinda funny. Send this to those gag card companies. They might take it.

  18. Tony McGurk says:

    I hate asparagus so I haven’t experienced the smelly pee. Great card though. I would buy it for my wife.

  19. They may say fail. That is a definite win! Hilarious!

  20. Dave Hambidge says:

    Here in Britannia we are coming to the end of this year’s “grass” season (yes that’s what the locals call it in Worcestershire where they grow THE VERY BEST) and my wife recently offered a variation on this magnificent cartoon. Does the denseness of the whiffy urine sniff correlate with the tastiness of the original “grass”?

  21. Bearman says:

    Hold on a second. We are talking about food right?

  22. I thought everyone knew about this. It was even used as a joke in one of the Austin Powers movies as a gag. I think it was the 3rd movie. Sorry Hallmark turned you down. They probably thought the image of being on the toliet was too much for a Hallmark card but I think you are on to something. I have thought of doing one of their contest myself. Need to give it a try too.

  23. fourth option: OR you don’t make it a point to sniff your pee.

    • Bearman says:

      Again, if yours smells, you can’t help but notice it. It isn’t like people are sticking their head in the toilet.

  24. Jillsy Girl says:

    This is so strange. I had never heard of “Asparagus Pee” until our neighbors told us about it two weeks ago. There are times when I’ve said to myself “Yowza, what’s that odor” but never associated it with a certain food. I haven’t had asparagus in the past two weeks, but when I do, I’ll make sure to pay close attention!

    • Bearman says:

      Give us a full report. Isn’t it funny how you don’t hear about something and then can’t escape it once you do?

  25. writerdood says:

    It needs to be fairly raw too. I was eating a lot of it last weekend, and it was fairly raw, and then I went pee and smelled it. Yep, asparagus pee. I don’t normally smell it, I think, because I usually cook the asparagus more. Also, I rarely sniff my own urine. I don’t know why, but it’s just not one of those things I’m in to. Anyway, in this case I didn’t have to lean down and suck a bunch of toilet air in to get the aroma, it was strong enough standing several feet back.

  26. Jason says:

    Did you enter the scratch-n-sniff version to Hallmark?

  27. alecho says:

    Hahahahahahaha, asparagus and pee jokes are always funny 🙂

  28. lisleman says:

    Don’t wet your asparagus. I got the joke right away but I don’t think I would have brought this card. Maybe if you had two asparagus guys at the urinals. Maybe not.

    • Bearman says:

      Remember the inside said “I love you stinky” That would give the card a whole new meaning with two guys at a urinal. haha

  29. Scholar Mel says:

    I stay clear of asparagus. Coffee causes bad odor also.

  30. I can’t believe you didn’t win…I’m serious! This is my favorite! I would buy this card.

  31. Jande says:

    Frankly, I find the thought of peeing in front of someone –especially one’s spouse/significant other– a rather disturbing one. Do people do that? O.o

    Aside from that, it’s pretty funny as a greeting card. I think you should go with the Two-guys-at-the-urinals card, too, so everyone can enjoy an “I love you, Stinky” moment. Ha ha!

  32. Hallmark said my entry was “not appropriate.” The front had a pile of poo-poo and the inside read, “…And you thought I didn’t give a s*it”

  33. Dr. Cynicism says:

    If Hallmark doesn’t pick this one, then I swear to god I’ll never buy another card from them again in my entire life.

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