A Day in My Life

Image of a guy leaning over on a toilet sniffing his crotch.

Noel over at DJBogtrotter and Miltons Life has decided to issue a challenge calling May 14 Dialogue Free Webcomics Day.  Well I know I am 6 weeks early but I couldn’t resist this image because it reflects my day last Sunday.

The day started with me waking up to find that one of our cats had puked in 12 different places all over the house.  I am squeamish when it comes to this stuff so I have to choke back my own vomit whenever I clean up vomit (or change the cat litter).  Usually if it was in one place I would act like I didn’t see it and wait for the wife to clean it up.  But in twelve spots, I knew I had to man up and make it a team effort.

Afterwards, I went about my day eating breakfast, showering (which is important to note as we will come back to this later) and then going shopping.  I got a new workout shirt and a new belt.  I needed the belt desperately as mine was falling apart so I wasted no time putting it on in the store.

Early in the afternoon, as I tend to do several times a day, I sat down on the toilet to do what men do when they sit on the toilet.  Suddenly I was overcome by the atrocious smell of putrid salmon.   Covering my face with my shirt, I looked all around the bathroom to see if we possibly missed some cat vomit in our clean up efforts.  I knew the smell was somewhere in the bathroom but I couldn’t figure out where.

All seemed normal until later that day I had to go again; this time I went into a different bathroom.  Once again the smell overcame me.  As I leaned over toward the air-vent the smell become stronger.  I called out to my wife to stick her head in the air-vent and see if the smell could be coming from the furnace.  She said no. 

To my horror, I realized that if it wasn’t the cat and it wasn’t the furnace, then it must be me.  It can’t be me.  I just showered that morning.  Yet here I was leaning over on the toilet trying to smell my crotch to determine if indeed it was.   I feared I had some form of Salmon Crotch Disease.  Was it curable?  Would I smell like this the rest of my life?

I tore off each piece of clothing to get a better smell and lo and behold it was my DAMN NEW BELT.  Yes folks my brand new Gap belt smells of salmon.  I’ll be taking it back this weekend and hopefully it was a one time thing.

A day in my life.

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65 Responses to “A Day in My Life”

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  1. Nate Fakes says:

    Sure you went to the Gap and not the Guppy?

    • Bearman says:

      Well the Gap took it back no questions asked. I was even waiting for the saleswoman to ask me why I was returning it. She didn’t so I resisted telling her.

  2. jynksie says:

    You realize having read your story there, my minds eye is now visually scared… for like, LIFE! o.O I don’t normally drink this early in the day, but -oh-my-god!!

    At least when you bent down to sniff, you didn’t poke out an eye, know what I’m sayin!! o.O

  3. FJ says:

    Haha, that’s funny Bear. I’m not sure I would share that story, but then I don’t do cartoons…funny is where you ‘find’ it I guess.

  4. Bo Lumpkin says:

    You almost got me thrown out of the library. I almost didn’t follow through because I am not really into bathroom humor but as I began to read I first smiled, then I laughed and then I lost it. People are looking at me funnier than usual in the library right now.

  5. tmcelmurry says:

    So what do you wear with a Salmon scented belt, Smoked Cedar Blank board shoes. 🙂

    Man, that’s a crazy story. Just the fact that you had the issues with the cats first, then a Salmon scented belt; that would have driven me nuts. I would have definitely been like you and had been hunting around ever corner trying to find if the cats had gotten sick again.

    Now comes the problem of trying to figure out why your belt smelled of Salmon in the first place. Did someone return it after wearing a GAP belt out on a Salmon run, is it scented that way to attract bears into GAP, did someone wreaking of Salmon try it on before you bought it? I just can imagine what took place with that belt to leave it scented in that fashion. BLAH!

    • Bearman says:

      Originally I had drawn the above with a pink shirt but then someone would have made the leap that I shouldn’t wear salmon colored shirts anymore.

  6. Laura says:

    Pretty funny.. I love the phrase “man up”…

  7. David says:

    Imagine if you were still in grade school. By now you’d be known as “fish pants.”

  8. DadaHyena says:

    Hey, it could be used to prevent child abuse! If a child shows up to school smelling like fish it’s a dead give-away that kid’s being beaten with the old “peace-maker”.

  9. Phew! Good thing I don’t have to breathe (in)!
    Coincidentally the real Dharma threw up last night. Although it was only in one spot I still managed to step in it (in the still dark early AM), slid across the floor and nearly fell on my backside. One of those days. Maybe our cats were out bar hopping all night. 🙂

  10. WriterDood says:

    Salmon belts make the perfect tactical weapon at parties. You just wrap them in plastic, and then you find a good spot and take off your belt (and the plastic) and leave it there. Behind a toilet, or under a couch cushion are good places. It makes the perfect practical joke. You can purchase salmon belts at most novelty stores. The GAP must have been selling them for fun.

  11. lynn says:

    OMG! this post waas hilarious on so many levels. it also gave me a peek into your personality…. the team effort thing was nice. you are actually quite charming aren’t you? who knew?

  12. Jill says:

    i would think the point of a dialogue free cartoon is that there needs no explanation. so in looking at your toon i conjured up some really odd scenarios!

    your’s is pretty good, too! 🙂

  13. susispice says:

    lol after i went through a myriad of feelings about this story I came up with a conclusion… if you bottle that smell you could sell it to the army as a weapon of mass destruction. hehe

  14. susispice says:

    huh!!!!! i bet Vegemite isnt smelling so bad now huh people!

  15. Tony says:

    I almost vomit just reading about vomit, especially cat vomit. 12 cat vomit piles in one house at the same time??? That’s just too much to bear man…
    I too have a scarred mind’s eye now imagining you on the dunny with your head between your legs sniffing….
    Maybe the belt was made out of salmon leather. I actually saw a show on TV once where they tanned fish skin to produce a very thin & soft leather to make clothing out of it.

  16. Friggin Loon says:

    The thought of you sniffing your crotch was not what I had planned today. However I am relieved that the cat didn’t puke in your pants 🙁

  17. danineteen says:

    Just like Loon, I also thought it was gonna be that the cat vomited in your pants. Glad to know that’s not how the story goes.

  18. I hate cleaning cat litter, I have two cats here at home myself-not mine though.

    To the cartoon – just flush it.

  19. susispice says:

    bahhaha ur the best!!!! love my banner its soooo cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    its just like me… ahah 😛 @D

  20. workout shirt… come on now.

    stop trying to one-up me.

  21. Oh man that’s a new one. How did the return go? I can just see you, “No, no! It does smell like salmon. smell it, smell it! I have visions of George Constanza with the banned bathroom book. “Hummm sir we can’t take that belt back. It’s been in the bathroom.”

    • Bearman says:

      I wanted her to ask. And I think she wanted to ask b/c it was obviously worn and the tag was ripped off. But she didn’t and I wasn’t volunteering.

  22. Georgr says:

    I’ve just returned from a week’s vacation in VA, and my cat seems to have taken it upon himself to leave us a plethora of Easter Eggs all over the house for us to find at our convenience. If you decide to man up again, feel free to stop by and help us hunt. 🙂

  23. jammer5 says:

    I suggest a Halibut belt, or maybe a rainbow trout belt. Shark belts are supposed to be the rage, but Dolphin belts may be against fishing regs.

  24. Duncanr says:

    Been doing a google search all day for a picture to adorn a post I wanted to put up in madhatters but none were quite ‘right’ – then dropped by here and . . . .


  25. NobblySan says:

    Our cats don’t use litter trays, but recently we’ve acquired a new cat which has been used to one.

    Our Labrador loves this litter tray, and sees it as a ready source of available snacks.

    Dogs can be bloody disgusting things at times.

    Oh…she sniffs crotches as well.

    • Bearman says:

      Our newest cat likes to show his dominance to the older one by swan diving in the litter box and rolling around like it is a beach. He SMELLLLLLLLLLS 1/2 the time.

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